Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Super-sized Nebulizer

Being sick with three sick kids and no husband in sight can play funny tricks on a mom's mind. For example, thinking about a super-sized nebulizer for mommy. I got the idea from one fourth of the sickies confined within Davis contaminated quarters. This would be Laura, three-year-old chesty-cough-sickie; the one who has to have a nebulizer treatment every four hours. As I observed the cool, soothing mist inside her little "elephant mask," I was sort of mesmerized.

This is how the Super-sized Nebulizer works: First, a doctor who resembles Bradley Cooper personally delivers your SSN (not Social Security Number--Super-sized Nebulizer) to your front door free of charge; no need to mess with insurance cards, (which probably wouldn't cover it any way). Next, you take your hassle-free, no assembly required nebulizer and place the sparkly pink mask over your nose and mouth...on second thought...over your entire face. I forgot that the SSN doubles as a built in facial. Instantly, a soothing mist covers your face and you experience a sensation close to the affects of laughing gas, but better, because you can still function, and don't say things you'll regret later. To your satisfaction, not only is your cough instantly eliminated, a crew of about ten people pop into your living room. Five of them begin to vigorously clean the house (covered in a film of the snot of four out of four sick persons). Three crew members in Elmo costumes each take a kid--feed, diaper & talk to them incessantly in that squeaky Elmo voice, but only so the kids can hear (kind of like a dog whistle). The remaining crew splits the tasks of laundry, cooking & what the hay--sending out for Starbucks, Panera and some trendy Pier One stuff for the house.

Uh-oh, what's this? My mist is retreating, the crew members are being sucked back through the SSN! My kids are crying, I'm coughing until tears stream down my cheeks, my house looks like a giant blew his nose on it. No sooner does a knock come at the door. "I'm here to pick-up your Super-sized Nebulizer Mrs. Davis." I open the door expecting Dr. Bradley Cooper, but instead are facing a combo of Carrot Top and Donald Trump. Ew. "Sorry maam," Carrot-Trump says, "The SSN has been recalled. Apparently it causes major delusions."

Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

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