Friday, September 25, 2009

Brawny Mom or Always Save Mom?

Dedicated to my good friend Laura McDavitt who like me, strives to be the Brawny mom

Have you ever considered motherhood in terms of paper towel brands? I hadn't, until my friend Laura reminded me of those great Brawny commercials. You know, the one; perfectly groomed mom and child are having a pleasant full-cooked breakfast in their immaculate, sweet eat-in kitchen. when...DUH DUH DUH...Bobby accidentally catapults his full glass of deep Barney purple grape juice onto the marble tile. Bobby looks at mom with perfect glistening baby blues. And just when you think mom is going to flip like an overdone pancake... she flashes Bobby a smile and coos in her best June Cleaver,"Oh, Bobby, it's okay!" And then she does the unthinkable and wistfully tears a single ply of Brawny paper towel and soaks up that entire glass of spilled grape juice. Mom and Bobby spend the rest of the day doing scheduled craft time, a tambourine duet to twinkle twinkle little star, bake perfect Betty Crocker cookies, and nap together in a field of Daisies before Pop comes home to the four course meal they prepared together.

Now, let's consider Always Save Paper Towels. Wonder why you've never seen one of their commercials? Because this is what would happen ... Enter mom and Billy both still in pajamas and unruly hair. They sit at a table donned with papers of every kind, last nights dinner scraps, and holy that a dead spider - no make that live spider? Mom and Billy ignore the trash pile that was once a table and continue to devour generic Happy O's cereal with questionable/possibly expired milk. Billy, startled by approaching spider, slings grape juice on spider and all over white carpet. Mom immediately screams, "Dog nabbit Billy!" (or worse) and takes one entire roll of Always Save and beats it on the juice pile. Mom's still screaming and now splashing residual grape juice against the wall with paper towel roll while Billy starts throwing Happy O's at her. Mom and Billy spend the rest of the day alternately in time out, eating last week's leftovers, watching hours of TV, and have a frozen dinner waiting for Pop, who is home an hour late.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Laundry is the Devil

Indeed, laundry is the devil incarnate. Its pointy horns and staff are cleverly disguised as ten-foot piles of dirty, stinky, despicable clothing. Ahhh, the treacheryery found in spit-up on shirts, jeans, balled up underwear, and yes, even the cute little onsies too! All gathered together in a sinister mountanous pile; they tell you..."It's okay, you can go watch Ellen, don't worry about us," or "Update your blog," or "Stare at the ceiling." Anything to keep you from dispelling their evil into the open recesses of your waiting washer. And of course you listen, because you want to believe the lies of the laundry devil. Soon you catch yourself saying things like, "Oh, I can wait another day, week, or month," or "I'll just buy some new underwear." And then, "Yeah, I owe it to myself to watch Ellen, update my blog, and stare at the ceiling. Heed this warning here oh fellow afflicted ones..."DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES." Take the dirties from their firey abyss and clense them in the good waters of your washer. For if you don't my good friends...the piles will only haunt you all the days of your life - or at least until you do a load of laundry.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How do I do it?

When people learn that I have three kids under the age of three (and that twins are part of this package), I then receive one of the following two remarks: "Wow you sure have your hands full," and/or "I don't know how you do it." And the really brave ones, who don't know they are opening Pandora's box will ask me, "How do you do it." HAAAAAAAAAAA. Well...for those of you who are really prepared to see what's inside that tricky goes:

First of all, I just do it. I get up at 6a.m., sometimes later if the Baby Gods are smiling down upon me. I carry one eighteen-pound baby in one arm and a nineteen-pound baby in the other. I switch em' up to make sure one arm isn't more buff than the other. I may or may not be accompanied by my two-year-old, who is already chanting "I'm hungry, I want to eat, I'm hungry, I want to eat." Once downstairs babies are screaming for bottles, Laura's mantra is still going (now louder), "I'm hungry, Canna have some waffles, canna have some waffles." All this at 6a.m. and I haven't even had my coffee yet!!!!

Repeat scenario in the afternoon around lunchtime, and again at dinner. In between, I break-up fights between twins, fights between Laura versus twins, and Laura versus Laura. I do some cleaning, usually half-ass surface cleaning, because who really cares if you can see baby hand prints on the entertainment center? And swiping excess chunks of food from the baby chairs, and trays insn't cheating in my book. They'll just get messy again later. I spend a large portion of the day trying to keep my obsessive compulsive self from panicking over the mine-field of yesterday's (sometimes last week's) crumbs and dog hair clumps on the carpet and hardwood floor. Occassionally the OCD gets the better of me and creates a cleaning monster - but not often enough. Of course theres the laundry, diapers, dishwasher, necessitated run to Target for formula with all three kids, keeping little fingers away from dangerous sockets, keeping permanent markers away from bigger fingers, practicing not screaming just because someone said Mommy for the ten-thousanth time, etc.

I'd like to say that I "do it" all with grace. That I do it with that huge cheezy smile you all know I can do. Sometimes I do! And I cherish those days. More often than not, I probably don't. At least not all day. But cheezy smile or no...I love it! Yeah, I said it...I love it! It ain't gonna be forever, and time will suck these years up a lot faster than my OCD vacuuming. For those of you who do whatever it is you do...have fun...write cynical blogs...put on your cheezy smile...and here's my HOLLA to you all!!!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Mexican Potty Finale

MPS - The Grand Finale

Days four and five of MPS over weekend produce atypical but positive outcome. Big girl panties stayed dry and two-year-old exhibits big girl behavior (at least where potty is concerned). Laura actually asks Mommy to use potty of own volition. Even willingly poops on potty without wiggling for hour first. WHOA. Two-year-old saves up four whole dollars in piggy-pee-bank. Special trip to toy store is scheduled for week's potty achievements. Mommy spends extra sixteen-dollars of own money for toy only worth four-dollars saved by two-year-old.

Conclusion of Mexican potty standoff - partial victory for all parties involved...because if you side actually really wins in a Mexican standoff.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

MPS - Day Four

Day four of confrontation:

Mommy full of trepidation sending two-year-old to friend Amy's with nothing but big girl panties and HOPE for the morning. Mommy fears phone call from Amy informing of potty disaster, or even worse...lack-of potty-in-the-panties/shorts-disaster. NO -refuse to be sucked in by usual pessimistic vortex. Instead, save half of delicious Starbucks blueberry muffin as reward for good potty conduct at pick-up time (Ah, the sacrifices we make as mothers!). Mommy puts on brave face to long trek to Amy's front door from mini-van. Sees Laura in small window shortless. Uh-oh. No, no stay away from the vortex. Mickey (Amy's husband) reports: "Laura had a good day. She peed in the potty twice. She did have a little juicy poop in her pants...but I think she thought it was going to be fart." Mommy deliberates next move...Cite turd incident as accidental and praise two-year-old for using potty outside of house? Or deem turd as intentional and devour rest of Starbucks muffin? Allright, allright...Mommy decides on first option. Laura devours muffin instead, stays dry remainder of the day, and even poops in the potty after wiggling around the house for over an hour.

Conclusion of day four Mexican standoff - Mommy's taking this one as a win!

Friday, September 11, 2009

MPS - Day Three

Day three of confrontation:

Aye Carumba! No mas potty training (too lazy to look up Spanish translation for potty training). Mommy es muy cansada. Mommy is so tired in fact, that she forgets about potty training entirely. Two-year-old has not been prompted to use potty all morning. Mommy pays dearly for this infraction when Laura hollers, "Mommy I'm peeing on the floor!" "Ahhhhh," Mommy replies with freshly bathed naked twin in arms...other twin headed straight for quickly accumulating pee puddle on floor. Meanwhile two-year-old still peeing. Mommy sets naked twin on family room floor, pushes other twin farther away from pee puddle. Two-year-old still peeing. Naked twin already inches from pee puddle. Laura still peeing. Other twin has broken through living room barricade...almost to pee puddle. Mommy grabs two-year-old covered in pee, puts both twins back in living room, re-enforces barricade. Cleans up two-year-old, puts clothes on naked twin, mops up pee, and congratulates self for not loosing sanity.

Rest of afternoon yields one more accident, this time just a small occurrence (in big girl panties, not floor). Two glorious evening victories at friend's birthday at Fun Run when Laura uses big potty (once even, informing Mommy on her own).

Conclusion of day three Mexican standoff: Undecided.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Mexican Potty Standoff - Day Two

Day two of confrontation:

Mommy waits to confront two-year-old until masses of liquid and morning cartoons have been consumed before mentioning potty. Mommy asks nonchalantly, "Laura are you ready to use the potty?" Two-year-old screams in response, "NO." Mommy beginning to lapse into defeatist mode. Battle ensues at snack time between fruit versus fruit snacks. Mommy seizes opportunity for potty persuasion. "You can have fruit snacks if you pee in the potty." Two-year-old, "Okay!" Mommy feigns composure, while inwardly rejoicing at successful bribery tactic. Afternoon in question when Mary Green, family friend comes to watch the children so Mommy can momentarily escape. "We had a battle," Mary Green reports upon Mommy's return. Sh**! "Laura screamed at me when I asked her to use the potty, but when I asked her why she was screaming, she suddenly stopped, then used the potty." Phew. Big girl panties remained dry all day!

Conclusion of day two Mexican standoff - Mary Green wins

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Mexican Potty Standoff

Mexican standoff - a confrontation where neither side wins.

Mexican Potty standoff - a confrontation where neither side wins, pee ends up on your carpet, and Mommy is a basket-case by end of day.

Day one of confrontation:

It was explained to Laura by Mommy and Daddy that diapers would only be worn during nap and night time. Big girls wear big girl panties and use the potty. Explanation was accepted with passive nod of two-year-old's head. Tuesday A.M. things look promising as Laura uses potty after being enticed by the last orange peanut M&M found at bottom of junk bowl (desperate times call for desperate measures...don't judge). Standoff digresses mid-morning when Laura pees in big girl panties and refuses to use potty. Further digression pre-nap when Mommy asks her to use potty for umteenth time. Laura responds to said request, "absolutely not." Afternoon has ended completely in the toilet, no pun intended, and no potty used.

Conclusion of day one Mexican standoff - two-year-old wins.