Friday, October 23, 2009

Sleepy Awards

Announcer: Welcome to the 3rd Annual Sleepy Awards--celebrating the sleepiest Moms in the nation. Please give a round of applause for second-time winner Erin Davis!

(Crying) First, I would like to begin by thanking everyone for joining me at this obscene hour of 5a.m. I would also like to thank the Sleepy Academy for accommodating all sleep deprived mothers by having this ceremony at such an unpleasant hour. Last year I accepted my first Sleepy on behalf of my firstborn, Laura Cecilia Davis, without whose indeterminable spirit, colic and 100mph personality, I would not have been so sleepy. This year I would like to thank her for her continued uncanny ability to wear my behind out. But really, I have two little people I must share my gratitude for this most esteemed award. Thank you Elizabeth and Julia Davis for your tireless dedication for keeping me tired. Especially in your first 6 months of life when you refused to sleep through the night, but by no means limited to recent nights (like last night) when for no apparent reason, you screamed your little heads off for the majority of the night. I can honestly say, I deserve this honorable slee---aaa---ooo---ppp----yyy...zzzzzzzzz.

Announcer: Uh, it appears as though Erin has passed out on stage. Here to help her finish accepting her award is her husband, Paul Davis - Oh, excuse appears that he too is passed out and will not be joining us this morning. Thus concludes the 3rd Annual Sleepy Awards. To all sleep deprived parents of the world...Good morning--or goodnight, and may you enjoy your sleep whenever you are fortunate enough to get some.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Strange Happenings in the Universe

As I was being projectile puked on at the pediatrician's office by eleven-month-old Elizabeth Tuesday night, I wondered what part of the cruel universe picks up on the fact that my husband is out of town? And what other part of the universe then decides it's okay for at least one if not all of my children (or self on occasion) to be sick every time he is gone? I think it must be neighbor to the section of the universe that always leaves an unmatched sock behind in the laundry pile. Or perhaps it's next to the cosmos that makes a depressing song come on the radio whenever your already in a bad mood. Which by the way, is just a light-year away from the galaxy that hides car keys, jump drives and money. And somewhere nearby is a particularly annoying portion of space that informs all three of my girls that I am writing, and despite the fact that Daddy is in the room...magnetically pulls them all to me; babies claw at my back and toddler climbs up next to me and yells a series of undecipherable sentences into my inner ear.

I am holding out for the part of the universe that gives me infinite time to sleep, write, and whatever other bloody thing I want to do. To my calculations this great phenomenon will occur either when all the planets align or at least approximately 18+ years from now.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Husband leaves town at 6a.m. Monday morning. All four Davis females wake up grouchy. Mommy starting to regret coloring hair so dark. Looks like Winona Ryder circa Beatleguise. Chiropractor/Wellness appointment at 11a.m. Takes two hours to get ready for appointment. Takes 5 minutes for actual appointment. Babies scream approximately 41/2 out of five minutes at appointment. Takes ten minutes to reload babies into minivan. Back home and lunch is usual messy lunch, accompanied by crying, mostly from Elizabeth. Mommy takes Elizabeth's temperature - 102.6. Everyone down for nap. Laura refuses nap and remains manic for remainder of afternoon. Mommy takes two-minutes to check e-mail. Receives rejection letter from magazine editor. Babies still screaming. Too late to start day over. Not too late to bitch about it.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Long-neck Cranes and Other Fun Childs Speak

Our family passed a field the other day on the way to church. My husband pointed out a skinny, long-neck crane standing gracefully at its center. "Look at the bird Laura!" he exclaimed. I turned around in my seat to observe her reaction. "Daddy, that bird looks just like my Mommy," she said. So I don't know much about cranes, other than they are skinny with long necks. So I'll go ahead and take my two-year-old's statement as a huge compliment. Especially considering the nearby cluster of plump cows that went unnoticed. In addition to the little warm fuzzies I received from such a sweet comparison, I marvel at the uncomplicated honesty of the way children view the world, and then transpose into uncomplicated, honest sentiments.

A few weeks ago when I was suffering from hormallergies (the worst case of hormones combined with allergies), I was crying in the kitchen while Laura ate her lunch in the other room. She couldn't see me, but she must have heard my sniffling because her little munchkin voice piped out, "Mommy? You feelin' kind of poopy?" To which I responded, "Yes, I guess I am honey." To which she in turn replied, "It's okay Mommy eat a piece of chicken and you'll feel better." Uncomplicated and honest.

Sometimes I think we'd do better as adults to communicate in childs speak. Especially when we're really trying to convey a deep emotion or sentiment. I don't know about you, but I'd love if my husband gave me an Anniversary or Birthday card inscribed with, "You are my graceful long-neck crane...I love you." Uncomplicated and honest. Or how about receiving a get well card that reads, "Sorry you're feeling down. Eat a piece of chicken and you'll feel better." Uncomplicated, honest, and funny, not to mention refreshingly absurd.

I'm just saying...maybe we muck it all up with all our deep, introspective, overthought, run-on, overly descriptive nonesense. Okay me done now.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Case of Hormallergies

Sometimes I like to diagnose myself with various conditions, both real and fictional; ADD (but only in certain areas of my life), "Thrombosis something-or-other" (when I was pregnant), and most recently Hormallergies. What is this frightening condition you ask? It is the worst of all possible combinations...hormones and allergies; working together to unmercifully torture its victims. Individuals with Hormallergies usually exhibit symptoms akin to five out of the "Seven Dwarfs": sneezy, sleepy, grumpy, dopey and occassionally bashful. Additional attributes found in Hormallergy victims may manifest in the following ways: Throwing small objects accross the room (sometimes big if no one is looking), chafed nose from using generic toilet paper in place of kleenex, enough bags under eyes to take two week vacation, lack of patience with everyone but mostly kids and husband (disclaimer: this may be a pre-existing condition and may not be entirely blamed on hormallergies), exagerated irritability...duh, and sleeping discomfort due to puffy eyes, nose, throat, and abdomen.

There is no known cure for Hormallergies at this time. Unfortunately allergy medication only increases sleepiness and object throwing. Hormone medication seems to produce similiar results. Do not take both medications simultaneously as the following drug interactions may produce the unwanted affects of: vomiting, diarhea, more diahrea, cotton mouth, cotton head, cotton sheets...(no wrong interaction sorry), hysteria, madness, hysterical-madness, thinking the world's against you, thinking the world will end in 2012, and coughing.

To help those afflicted with Hormallergies you can donate large amounts of money to Erin Davis who will take fellow victims to tropical location devoid of allergens, also housing pretty pink padded rooms in the event of hormonal object throwing episodes.