Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Case of Hormallergies

Sometimes I like to diagnose myself with various conditions, both real and fictional; ADD (but only in certain areas of my life), "Thrombosis something-or-other" (when I was pregnant), and most recently Hormallergies. What is this frightening condition you ask? It is the worst of all possible combinations...hormones and allergies; working together to unmercifully torture its victims. Individuals with Hormallergies usually exhibit symptoms akin to five out of the "Seven Dwarfs": sneezy, sleepy, grumpy, dopey and occassionally bashful. Additional attributes found in Hormallergy victims may manifest in the following ways: Throwing small objects accross the room (sometimes big if no one is looking), chafed nose from using generic toilet paper in place of kleenex, enough bags under eyes to take two week vacation, lack of patience with everyone but mostly kids and husband (disclaimer: this may be a pre-existing condition and may not be entirely blamed on hormallergies), exagerated irritability...duh, and sleeping discomfort due to puffy eyes, nose, throat, and abdomen.

There is no known cure for Hormallergies at this time. Unfortunately allergy medication only increases sleepiness and object throwing. Hormone medication seems to produce similiar results. Do not take both medications simultaneously as the following drug interactions may produce the unwanted affects of: vomiting, diarhea, more diahrea, cotton mouth, cotton head, cotton sheets...(no wrong interaction sorry), hysteria, madness, hysterical-madness, thinking the world's against you, thinking the world will end in 2012, and coughing.

To help those afflicted with Hormallergies you can donate large amounts of money to Erin Davis who will take fellow victims to tropical location devoid of allergens, also housing pretty pink padded rooms in the event of hormonal object throwing episodes.

1 comment:

  1. This is so funny. I was about to mention that your symptoms sounded like what Freud would've diagnosed as hysteria, but then you mentioned it yourself. I've been reading enough Freud lately to make a woman go mad.