Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Airplane Confessions

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m a nervous flier--and a grabber. The first sign of turbulence and my arm involuntarily clamps onto the nearest passenger. This is particularly problematic when seated in the dreaded middle seat, where two passengers (rather than one), will fall victim to my airplane-phobia death grip. The turbulence don’t even have to be bad for my arms to project forth like Mr. Gadget in major malfunction mode. Simply a little bump-bump will do.

This past weekend on my way from Phoenix to Louisville, I willed my hands to stay clasped in my lap as I endured a horrid series of turbulence. I felt like a rabid dog trying not to bite a soft white bunny. To keep my go-go Gadget arms at bay, I let my mind wander to movie scenes where characters scream out insanely ridiculous confessions in the face of certain airplane crash doom, only to later land safely—their only doom, embarrassment of deathly proportions. Here are the confessions I felt compelled to scream (prior to safe landing):

“Once (or seven times) I used a dirty dishrag to wipe my kids’ faces with.”

“Once when I thought I put that same dirty dishrag in the wash a week later, but didn’t, I used it again to wipe my kids’ faces—and mine.”

“Sometimes when people say something I don’t want to hear, I pretend I don’t hear them.”

“Sometimes when people repeat the thing I don’t want to hear, I still pretend I don’t hear them.”

“Several times I told my kids (and husband) all the cookies were gone because I wanted them for myself.”

“Sometimes I workout in the clothes I slept in the night before, and then sleep in them again.”

“I’ve poured soap on cake like Miranda in Sex And The City from preventing myself from eating an entire cake—after I’ve already eaten and entire cake. Then I wondered what cake would taste like with soap on it.”

“All people, who think people who read and love Pride and Prejudice are cliché, are cliché...and most likely secretly read and love Pride and Prejudice.”

“If I was James Franco, Han Solo (NOT Harrison Ford), or Bradley Cooper I would make out with myself.”

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